Tyme Said

Some randomness before I start this entry:

1) Today would have been my grandmother’s birthday. Happy B-Day Mother. I miss you. I love you.
2) We’ll be doing a Streamcast going through 9rules submissions tomorrow (Wednesday) at 9pm EST. We won’t be going through them all and we won’t be publicizing the blogs we are viewing but you should have a good time watching our reactions and hearing the feedback. Bring a drink, some food, get comfy and join us (haha, I hope that is the correct link. I’ll update it if it changes).

Ok, on with the entry….and because I’m in the mood….relationships!

It’s the Olympics and I always think of my ex during this time and it is ironic that I came across some old stuff regarding him. He was my first love. Well, let’s have fun - let’s go back to November 14, 1982. I had an assignment (I was attending a religious school): would you engage in premarital sex, yes or no and why or why not? Here is part of my response (click on the image to read a larger portion of the essay - I didn’t want to take up too much space in the entry):

By the time I left their church the first day I knew he liked me because in his own subtle way (without disrespecting our mutual friend) he made it very clear. He slid me notes - looking back it was very cute. Many times after that the three of us hung out together in church. It wasn’t until I was grown that I found out she was playing match-maker.

The point is that in his own way he let me know how he felt and didn’t let anything or anyone stand in the way. No boy could begin to compare to that at age 7 and after we’d been together for awhile the bond between us grew making it very hard for other boys to compete. He established a connection with me that went beyond the physical and that’s how he won. It had nothing to do with his looks and that is why the unattractive guy can get the hot looking model. Women value the men that form a connection with us. We don’t pick the people we love. Why do you think people fall in love with people they “shouldn’t” or our first loves (when we followed our hearts completely) seem to be when we were young (in school)? The more time you spend with someone the more you can get to know them without the distractions being in social settings or sex can bring. Because the person is someone you “shouldn’t” be attracted to you interact and get to know the person, the connection builds and next thing you know you’re in deep.

A couple of years later, when he was training for the Olympics I made some promises to him so he wouldn’t be worried about me back home (there are 15 promises - click on the image if you dare to read them all):

His assertiveness won me over but I had to bring my own assertiveness as well. It wasn’t easy for him to express his feelings for me nor was it easy to keep things together when we were apart but I never wanted him to regret his decision in picking me. Rejection from the person you love hurts like hell but the unknown hurt more for us than not seeing things through. I kept my promise, even when I thought he was dead. I never moved on completely until I found him and once I did, I was able to shut the door and move on.

What happened to us? We allowed other people’s opinions to matter in our relationship. In the end, we stopped listening to each other and let other people’s opinions matter over what we felt. It threw everything off course. The truth? I was the suburb girl and he was the inner city guy. His friends were jealous that he “upgraded” because his life was changing into the life they wished they had. Looking back I know now that the solution would have been for us to go elsewhere neutral instead of waiting until he could return home but our naivety didn’t see that as a real option because home was home to us. However, there were negative influences in both of our lives that needed to end and those outside negative influences/behaviors ended up ripping our relationship apart…and we let it happen by letting “noise” (outside influence) drown out our own voices. We allowed our connection to die.

If you’re lucky enough to have a true connection with someone (and you’ll know because it lasts over time) focus on yourselves and explore what is there - alone. It’s no one elses business. When you have a connection with someone it is no longer a “me” thing, it is a “we” thing.

And remember: when you have a connection with someone you already have a relationship - so you might as well explore it as couples do. Definition of relationship: a state of connectedness between people (especially an emotional connection)

Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down. ~Oprah Winfrey

I’m not a fan of Cribs but I recorded Perez Hilton’s episode out of curiosity. Omarion and TJ Houshmandzadeh were also in the episode. I watched the show with my friends. In case you missed it, here is TJ’s section, this is Omarion’s part and this is Perez’s. It was clear after watching TJ Houshmandzadeh’s part how men and women speak in different languages. Everything was cool with Perez’s and Omarion’s but TJ’s drew a completely different response from the men vs. the women.

The men watched TJ’s part and thought about football, the house, the money, the basketball court, etc. The women were clearly thinking, “I wish I had a guy like that” or “why aren’t you like that?”. Both were thinking about security to a degree but two different forms. The guys felt that if they had the money TJ did the women would be happy. The women were saying the money could be there but if the same behaviors resided it would probably make things worse. Emotional security is more important to them than financial security. Honestly, without emotional security money will make problems worse.

Looking at the video I saw a man that obviously loves his wife and children very much. So much he couldn’t stop talking about them and their personalities were integrated in their home. There isn’t a gray area on his feelings for his wife – his actions match his words. His wife, without a doubt, knows how much he loves her. That is what most women want, they want that type of emotional security. When that type of security is in place their insecurities subside. Wanna watch porn? Sure, I know he loves me. He has female friends? Fine, because he’ll make it clear to them he loves me and keeps it platonic. Traveling? Ok, I know he won’t cheat because our family is too important to him. Going to the club? Sure, he’ll tell the other chicks to step if they do or say something inappropriate.

See, women typically fall in love and become highly vested. The other men get the boot or are told the score, she will pick spending time with her man over others (not necessarily agreeing with this one – that can lead to clingy), won’t cheat, etc. That is why many relationships don’t work out because the two people are on different planes. If there is a need to keep another woman as a backup how can a guy expect the woman he claims to love to trust him? But that is what happens isn’t it? One of the ladies who watched the show went off on her boyfriend because he said he loved her but couldn’t tell a female “friend” of his feeling for her. Um, why not? That’s a problem.

A problem that money would only make worse.

Let’s be clear – everyone has shit in their lives. Things they aren’t proud off, things they need to straighten out, etc. The point in a couple moving forward together is that they can accept each other’s shit and move past it. That’s the difference between someone being there for a season and someone there for a lifetime. Sure, there might be a period of anger that might last a day or two but the point is: the person isn’t going anywhere.

I was having a conversation with someone about the video and the person basically said that money means more and accepting less is a downgrade. For me, I’d be “downgrading” money and upgrading emotional stability. Money didn’t keep my parents together, their parents, none of the people I know that have money but it sure as hell caused them a ton of problems - because the stability wasn’t there in the first place.

For me, I always wanted the money to come AFTER the marriage. I’ve said it many times that I want to build something WITH my future husband so that together, we can look back on what we have (created together) and be proud of what we accomplished. A healthy and happy family outweighs bling to me. Being secure emotionally means 1000x more than bling. I want to go through the struggles with the man I love – it’s a part of life. Unfortunately, most men (let’s be honest, I haven’t met one that didn’t think this yet) think I want to skip past that part to the money, being rich and doing whatever I want part.

I grew up with wealth and I know money can create more problem than it resolves.